Offensive Rants

America's Funniest Home Videos

Christians who believe in the literal truth of the Bible

Military people who say "We're protecting your freedoms from terrorists"

People who say "These soldiers gave their lives..."

People who call anyone in uniform a "hero"

Liberals & Conservatives

Gay people who celebrate gay pride

People who get offended when white people say "nigger"

Women who, when rejected because of their appearance, accuse men of being "shallow"

Women who say "I love to laugh, I love to have fun" in personal ads



America's Funniest Home Videos: What a bunch of sadistic assholes the producers are! Half the videos show people getting hurt, sometimes lying on the ground curled up in the fetal position. And apparently it's very funny. It's just so funny when someone is in extreme pain, isn't it? Yes, let's laugh at this person who got hurt so badly that he dropped to the ground and started wincing in pain.  Sado-comedy at its finest! 

The reader may want to object with "Oh relax! If someone is sending in a video of themselves getting hurt, they can't be hurt that badly."

Why do you think the person who got hurt is the one who sent in the video? More than likely, it's the cameraman who sent in the video, and he rarely gets hurt. I could be the cameraman recording some poor bastard getting his legs broken and America's Funniest Home Videos will probably broadcast it as long as there's no blood or denuded bone sticking out of the guy's leg. Apparently that's where they draw the line.

I sometimes see the facial expressions of children who are sitting in the audience and it's really quite revealing. At first, when the person in the video gets hurt, the children don't laugh. They're more puzzled and surprised than anything. However, when the piece-of-shit audience and host start to applaud and laugh, the children emulate this behavior and smile and clap as well. Children are conditioned by that show to think that it's funny when someone is in pain. They're trained to be sadists from an early age.

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Christians who believe in the literal truth of the Bible: The Bible consists of stories that have been copied, translated, paraphrased and interpreted to death, often by people who were profoundly superstitious and scientifically ignorant. And to top it off, the whole thing has been censored and edited extensively over the centuries by various Biblical "authorities". And yet despite their best efforts to reduce the amount of silly crap that permeates this book, the Bible of today still features: people that are made out of dust, a man who walks on water, a woman who turns into a pillar of salt, a pregnant virgin, a talking donkey, a person who lives for days inside a whale, and plenty of other so-called "miracles".

I'm just amazed that someone living in a technologically advanced society with iPads and smart phones can actually, seriously believe in talking snakes, talking statues, a sun that stops moving across the sky because some guy told it to stop, water that turns into wine, a corpse that reanimates after being dead for days, and last but not least: a "loving" God that orders death by stoning of some poor bastard who was out gathering firewood when he was supposed to be resting. Apparently, God is so offended by work on the Sabbath that he wants violators not just killed, but killed in a brutal, sadistic manner. What a loving, forgiving, caring God he must be. He also appears to have a very delicate ego because if you utter a blasphemous word against him, your penalty is death. If you dishonor your parents, your penalty is death. If two gay guys get it on, their penalty is death. If a woman is not a virgin when she marries, her penalty is death. Is all this killing absolutely necessary?

I know, I know... you want to tell me that Jesus canceled all those blood-thirsty laws in Leviticus and God doesn't want them enforced anymore (so much for God being "unchanging"). Okay, but before Jesus showed up, those laws were enforced, weren't they? Which means violators were executed on God's orders, weren't they? I wonder how many people died because of God's death fetish for trivial infractions. And have you noticed how slavery is not prohibited anywhere in the Bible but premarital sex is? I guess a couple sleeping together is far worse of a crime than forcing an innocent person to do hard labor for life under threat of violence.  We are even told where we may buy slaves,  we're told that our children will inherit our slaves just like any other property, and that it's okay to make those slaves serve us for life (essentially, work them till they die). This is in Leviticus 25:44. If that's not Biblical endorsement of slavery, I don't know what is.

Evangelical, born-again Christians must perform Olympic-level mental gymnastics to seriously believe that every word of the Bible is literally true, and I think I know how they do it. Since Satan is "The Great Deceiver", anyone who tries to shake their faith in the Bible is obviously a tool of Satan. So no matter how strong or persuasive someone's arguments against their religion, those arguments will be dismissed as Satanic lies. Wow, I must admit that's quite clever. Using the same brainwashing technique, I can fill a child's head with the most insane drivel. I can teach him things like "purple dolphins live on the moon" and "pigs can fly." Then, to make sure no one can get that crap out of his head, I'll cork it off with "anyone who denies what I've told you is a servant of Satan." This way when someone tries to reason with the child and explain that pigs don't fly, he'll dismiss it as evil Satanic lies.  Simply brilliant.

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Military people who say "We're protecting your freedoms from terrorists": Most military people enlisted for practical reasons. They didn't like living at home, they needed money, they couldn't get a good job, they wanted military benefits, etc. Of course they'll never admit that those are the reasons they enlisted. Instead they'll say something predictable and patriotic like "I joined to serve and protect my country!" Maybe there are a few people like that, but the majority are not. I know this because I was in the service and I've had quite a few conversations with people on this issue. After you peel away the superficial layer of political correctness, the average enlistee's motives turn out to be just as I've described. If you want to know who the real patriots are in the military, cut everyone's salary in half and let them leave if they want to. Then see who stays.

Slavish conformity and blind obedience to authority are seen as good things in hierarchical organizations...it's rewarded with money. A Marine sniper or Army infantryman in a foreign combat zone gets regular pay, combat pay, hardship duty pay, family separation pay, and a food allowance... all tax free. In essence, they get paid lots of money to kill people. How is this different from mercenaries?

I would like to know how killing Muslim "insurgents" half way around the world keeps Americans safe here in the US. Quite the opposite, it enrages Muslim militants and makes them want to hurt us, which is exactly what they did on 9/11. That attack was not an unprovoked act of war. It was in response to all the deaths and misery the US military caused in the Middle East prior to that. Muslim militants are unjust, unfair, cruel, and merciless but they are not insane. They do not attack at random with no provocation as serial killers do. Osama bin Laden made an interesting comment during one of his interviews. He said "You don't see us attacking Switzerland, do you? Why is that?" He had a valid point. Switzerland has a history of being neutral in conflicts. Meaning, they don't stick their noses where they don't belong and they don't interfere in the affairs of other governments. The 9/11 attack had absolutely nothing to do with "hating our freedoms" or any of that other bullshit certain politicians have been feeding us. If you want to know why the enemy attacked us, LISTEN TO WHAT THE ENEMY IS SAYING. What a radical notion, huh?

By the way, the same people we call "insurgents" today used to be called "Freedom Fighters" when the Russians were fighting them. Funny how the labels change, isn't it? They're the same people: armed Muslims who are protecting their native land from foreign invaders.

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People who say "These soldiers gave their lives" or "This officer gave his life in the line of duty": The word "give" means to voluntarily surrender something. The keyword there is voluntarily which means the person has a choice in the matter. Police officers and soldiers are not asked whether they wish to be killed, nor do they volunteer for suicide missions. On the contrary, when they die their lives are violently taken from them without their permission or consent. That's called robbery. They are robbed of their lives. They most definitely don't give their lives away. The only thing they volunteered for is to enlist in the service and they sure as hell didn't plan on dying when they signed on the dotted line.

Even a soldier who jumps on a grenade in a foxhole to save his buddies shouldn't be described as "giving his life" because he does not have a choice of whether to give his life or keep it. He's going to die either way. The only thing he chooses is whether to jump on the grenade and die alone or do nothing and die with his friends. The grenade is going to take his life no matter what (assuming he doesn't have time to throw it away). Yet regardless of how a person in uniform dies, he's always described as "giving" his life in the line of duty... even if he's killed by friendly fire. Worse still is when a firefighter accidentally dies in a fire or collapsed building. It's a completely unforeseen accident yet he still supposedly "gave his life". Is there no end to the bullshit?

Look, the only people who actually give their lives are those who choose to go on suicide missions. And when I hear "suicide mission" the first two things that come to mind are Japanese kamikaze pilots and Muslim suicide bombers.

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People who call anyone in uniform a "hero": This applies especially to the media who say things like "Veteran's Day is the day we acknowledge and appreciate the sacrifices and commitments of our heroes who serve in the armed forces. Find a service member today and thank them for your freedoms!"  Jesus Christ, what a load of shit!

First of all, the average service member doesn't give a rat's ass about you or me or our freedoms because he doesn't even know that we exist.  How could he possibly do something for you or "sacrifice" something for you when he isn't even aware of you?  You could die tomorrow and he wouldn't know or care.

Second, people have watered-down the word "hero" to the point where it means absolutely nothing. Consider some lazy dumb ass who got rejected from every civilian job he ever applied for.  He joins the military as a last resort and ends up on an Army base where he sits in an air-conditioned office all day eating donuts and Hot Pockets and playing Solitaire.  Apparently this guy is a "hero" because he's in the military and anyone in a service uniform is automatically a hero, right?  Last I checked, being a hero involved actually doing something heroic, like risking your life to accomplish a positive and significant thing. A fire-fighter who runs into a burning building to save a child from certain death is a hero. Now explain to me what is so damn heroic about sitting on your ass all day and staring at a computer screen while eating donuts?  There are thousands of people in the military who have jobs like this: civilian-like jobs in cozy environments that involve absolutely no danger. I know this because I had a job like that when *I* was in the military. I guess I'm a hero, huh?

 

Liberals: You want to use tax dollars to help the unfortunates of the world. Take from the rich and give to the poor. If you advocate taking money from people by force and giving it to the needy, then don't complain when a thief comes to your house and steals half your stuff at gunpoint because he's poorer than you.

Conservatives: What exactly are you trying to conserve? The way things used to be? So essentially, you want to retard social progress.  What's next, you'll want to bring back slavery?  And why are you folks always thumping your Bibles as if that's a good moral code to live by?  Have you seen this?

 

Gay people who celebrate gay pride: You're proud of being gay? How can you be proud of something you got with no effort at all whatsoever? Acquiring a sexual orientation requires no work, no skill, no talent, no accomplishments, and no abilities. What's next, you'll be proud of preferring chocolate ice cream over vanilla? "Proud to be gay" is just as dumb as "ashamed to be gay". They're opposite sides of the same coin: Unearned pride and shame. Look, if you want to be proud of something, go do something difficult and praise-worthy.

At this point you probably want to say "Gay Pride is a backlash against religion and other beliefs that demonize homosexuality as being wrong and immoral and perverted. The Pride parade is a recognition of all the difficulties non-heterosexuals face in our society. It brings us together under a common banner and lets other non-heterosexuals know they're not alone, they don't have to live in the closet, they don't have to hate themselves, and they are neither immoral nor bad."

Fine, I agree with that quote (not surprising considering I wrote it) but why do you have to call it gay PRIDE? Why are you praising your sexual orientation? Why not call it "Gay Unity" or "Gay Day" or something? "Proud to be gay" is just as irrational as "proud to be White" or "proud to be Black".

 

People who get offended when white people say "nigger" but not when black people say it: So let me get this right: It's okay for a black person to say "nigger" but not okay for a white person to do the same. You know what, telling people they're not allowed to do something only because of their race is the basic idea behind racism.  So congratulations, you're a racist.

 

Women who, when politely rejected because of their appearance, accuse men of being "shallow": Often such a woman will respond to the rejection with "You don't even know anything about my personality or intelligence, you have no idea what kind of person I am and you're already rejecting me? Just because of the way I look? Obviously the only thing you care about is appearance. You're so shallow!"

I don't know if that kind of thinking is emotional self-defense against the pain of rejection or just naivety. Either way, it's wrong. I care equally about appearance, personality and intelligence because compatibility in all three areas is necessary for a healthy relationship. However, of the three, appearance is the quickest and easiest to judge. I can tell literally within seconds of meeting a woman whether I'm physically attracted to her. Judging intelligence and personality takes far longer... possibly hours of conversation. If I am not sexually attracted to a woman's appearance, what's the point of dating her? I already know that I'm not going to have a relationship with her so further dating would be disingenuous towards her and a complete waste of time for both of us.  So it's best to be honest in such cases and let her know that we are not compatible.  If she asks "why?", I will politely tell her the truth, at which point there's a good chance that she'll call me shallow.

 

Women who say "I love to laugh, I love to have fun" in personal ads: You love to laugh and have fun?  REALLY? No way! Are you serious? Wow, that's amazing! Because most women love to sit in dark basements on Friday nights and stare at brick walls for hours. They enjoy being bored, sad, and lonely. But not you... you're different. You love to laugh and have fun. Wow, what a rare gem you are!

Hey Captain Obvious, every woman on the planet loves to laugh and have fun. What's next? "I like to eat delicious food"? Yeah, that's quite the unusual food preference... better put that in your personal ad.

Look, the point of a personal ad is to differentiate yourself somehow from the masses.  But what do you do?  You repeat the same tired crap as everyone else, thus making yourself sound ordinary, dull and boring.

Bottom line: Quit saying obvious shit, it makes you look dumb.

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